Managing Difficult Emotions

The Cost of Unmanaged Emotions

• At work: A single angry email can destroy months of relationship-building. A fear-driven silence in a meeting can cost you a promotion.
• In relationships: Words spoken in anger cannot be unheard. "I didn't mean it" does not erase the sting.
• For your health: Chronic unmanaged stress and anger contribute to heart disease, weakened immunity, and mental health disorders.
• For your reputation: People remember how you made them feel. One emotional outburst can define how others see you for years.

The Fire Analogy

Think of emotions like fire. Fire is not inherently good or bad. Controlled fire cooks your food, heats your home, and lights your way. Uncontrolled fire burns down houses. The difference is not the fire itself -- it is whether you have learned to manage it. This chapter teaches you to be a skilled fire manager, not a fire extinguisher.

What Each Emotion Signals

Anger signals that a boundary has been crossed, you feel disrespected, or an injustice has occurred. It is your internal alarm saying "Something is wrong and needs to change." Anger gives you energy to act, to protect yourself, and to stand up for what matters.

Fear signals genuine danger or threat. It is your survival system at work, preparing your body to fight, flee, or freeze. Fear says "Pay attention -- something could hurt you." It sharpens your senses and speeds up your reactions.

Anxiety signals uncertainty about the future. Unlike fear, which responds to a present threat, anxiety is your mind running simulations about what might go wrong. It says "Prepare yourself -- the outcome is uncertain." It motivates planning and preparation.

Frustration signals that your efforts are being blocked. Something stands between you and your goal. It says "This approach is not working -- adapt or try something different." It pushes you to problem-solve.

Sadness signals loss or disappointment. Something you valued is gone or did not happen. It says "This mattered to you." It invites reflection and connection with others who care about you.

Shame signals that you have violated your own values or social norms. It says "Your behavior does not match who you want to be." It motivates self-correction and growth.

The Dashboard Analogy

Think of your emotions as the dashboard lights in your car. When the check engine light comes on, you do not smash the dashboard -- you investigate what the light is telling you. You do not ignore it either, or you risk a breakdown. You acknowledge the signal and take appropriate action.

Similarly, when anger flares up, it is a dashboard light. The question is not "How do I make this feeling stop?" but rather "What is this feeling telling me that I need to address?"

1. Trigger Event -- Something happens (your coworker takes credit for your idea)

2. Interpretation -- Your brain assigns meaning ("They are stealing from me. They do not respect me.")

3. Emotion -- Based on the interpretation, an emotion arises (anger, betrayal)

4. Physical Response -- Your body reacts (clenched jaw, racing heart, tight shoulders)

5. Behavioral Urge -- You feel compelled to act (confront them publicly, send a harsh email)

6. Action -- You either react impulsively or respond deliberately

R - Recognize: Notice the Emotion

The first step is simply noticing that you are experiencing an emotion. This sounds obvious, but many people do not recognize their emotional state until they are already deep into a reaction. You are halfway through a sarcastic comment before you realize you are angry. You have avoided making the phone call for three days before you realize you are afraid.

Physical cues to watch for:

• Clenched jaw, fists, or shoulders (anger)
• Churning stomach, shallow breathing (anxiety)
• Tight throat, stinging eyes (sadness, frustration)
• Racing heart, sweating palms (fear)
• Restlessness, inability to focus (frustration)

Practice: Set three random alarms on your phone each day. When the alarm goes off, ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" This builds the habit of emotional awareness.

U - Understand: Identify the Trigger

Once you recognize the emotion, investigate what caused it. Ask yourself: "What happened just before I started feeling this way?" The trigger might be external (something someone said) or internal (a memory, a thought, a worry).

Example: You notice your chest tightening during a team meeting. You investigate: "What triggered this?" You realize your manager just assigned the high-profile project to someone else. Underneath the tightness, you find disappointment and a fear of being undervalued.

Dig deeper with these questions:

• "What need of mine is not being met?"
• "What expectation was violated?"
• "Does this remind me of a past experience?"
• "Am I reacting to what actually happened, or to what I think it means?"

L - Label: Give It a Precise Name

Research by UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman shows that precisely labeling an emotion actually reduces its intensity. When you put feelings into words, you activate the prefrontal cortex, which helps calm the amygdala. The more specific the label, the more effective the calming effect.

Instead of "I feel bad," try:

• "I feel overlooked" (more specific than "angry")
• "I feel apprehensive" (more specific than "scared")
• "I feel disappointed" (more specific than "sad")
• "I feel overwhelmed" (more specific than "stressed")
• "I feel humiliated" (more specific than "embarrassed")

The difference between "I'm angry" and "I feel disrespected and undervalued" is enormous. The second version gives you something actionable to address.

E - Express: Communicate Appropriately

Once you understand what you are feeling and why, the next step is deciding how to express it. Expression does not always mean telling the other person. It might mean writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend, or simply acknowledging the emotion to yourself.

When you do express to the other person, use this formula:

"I feel [specific emotion] when [specific behavior] because [why it matters to me]."

Example: Instead of "You never listen to me!" try "I feel frustrated when I am interrupted during meetings because it makes me feel like my contributions do not matter."

R - Regulate: Use Management Strategies

The final step is choosing and applying a regulation strategy. This is where the techniques in the rest of this chapter come in -- breathing exercises, cognitive reframing, timeouts, grounding techniques, and more. The key insight is that different emotions may require different strategies. What works for anger (physical release, timeout) may not work for anxiety (which often benefits more from grounding and reality-checking).

What Anger Tells You

Anger is fundamentally a protective emotion. It arises when:

• A boundary has been crossed -- Someone took advantage of your kindness, invaded your space, or violated your trust
• You feel disrespected -- Someone dismissed your ideas, talked over you, or treated you as less-than
• An injustice occurred -- Something unfair happened to you or someone you care about
• Your needs are ignored -- You have communicated a need repeatedly and it continues to be disregarded
• You feel powerless -- Anger often masks a deeper feeling of helplessness or vulnerability

Understanding why you are angry is the first step to channeling it productively. Anger that leads to "I need to set a clearer boundary" is healthy. Anger that leads to "I need to destroy this person" is not.

Level 1: Annoyed -- Minor irritation. You can still think clearly and communicate well. Physical signs: slight tension, mild impatience.

Level 2: Frustrated -- Mounting tension. You are still rational but losing patience. Physical signs: clenching jaw, speaking faster, sighing.

Level 3: Angry -- Strong emotion taking hold. Rationality is slipping. Physical signs: raised voice, aggressive gestures, tunnel vision.

Level 4: Furious -- High intensity. Very difficult to think clearly or listen. Physical signs: shaking, face flushing, heart pounding.

Level 5: Rage -- Overwhelming. You have lost access to rational thought. Physical signs: seeing red, physical urges, inability to hear others.

Critical Rule: Intervene at Levels 1-2

At Levels 1-2, your prefrontal cortex is still fully online. You can use logic, empathy, and communication skills. By Level 3 and above, your amygdala has hijacked your brain, and your ability to communicate effectively drops dramatically. The best time to manage anger is before it becomes anger.

1. The Pause Button

Stop what you are doing. Take three deep breaths. Count to 10. This is not weakness -- it is tactical intelligence. You are buying time for your prefrontal cortex to come back online.

What to say: "Give me a moment to collect my thoughts." or "Let me think about that before I respond."

2. Physical Release

Anger floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol. These stress hormones need a physical outlet. Walk briskly for five minutes, do push-ups, squeeze a stress ball, or even clench and release your fists under the table. The physical action helps metabolize the stress chemicals.

3. Cognitive Reframe

Challenge the story you are telling yourself. Ask: "Is there another explanation? Am I assuming the worst? Is this worth my peace?" Often, anger is fueled by assumptions rather than facts.

Example: Your coworker did not respond to your email for two days. Your angry thought: "They are ignoring me on purpose." Reframe: "They might be swamped with deadlines. I will follow up politely."

4. The 24-Hour Rule

For significant anger, wait 24 hours before responding. Write the angry email but do not send it. Draft the text but save it. After 24 hours, re-read what you wrote. Nine times out of ten, you will revise significantly or decide not to send it at all.

5. I-Statements

Replace "You" accusations with "I" statements. This reduces defensiveness in the other person and keeps the conversation productive.

Instead of: "You never respect my time. You are always late."

Try: "I feel disrespected when meetings start late because my time is limited and I have other commitments."

6. Strategic Timeout

If you feel yourself climbing past Level 2, call a timeout. This is not avoidance -- it is emotional intelligence. The key is to name what you are doing and commit to returning.

Say: "I care about this conversation, but I need a 30-minute break so I can think more clearly. Let us continue at 3 o'clock."

Do NOT say: "Whatever. I'm done." (This is avoidance, not a timeout.)

Wrong Approach

Situation: Your manager publicly criticizes your presentation in front of the entire team.

Reactive response: "That is completely unfair! You did not even read my report before the meeting. Maybe if you actually did your job and gave me proper feedback beforehand, this would not have happened!" (said loudly, in front of everyone)

Result: You have publicly challenged your manager, embarrassed them, and created an adversarial dynamic. Even if you were right, you have lost credibility and trust.

Right Approach

Situation: Same -- your manager publicly criticizes your presentation.

Step 1 (Recognize): You notice your face getting hot, jaw clenching. You are at Level 2-3 on the anger ladder.

Step 2 (Pause): You take a breath. You say: "Thank you for the feedback. I would like to discuss this further -- could we schedule 15 minutes after the meeting?"

Step 3 (Private conversation): "I appreciate direct feedback, and I want to improve. However, I felt caught off guard being critiqued publicly without prior discussion. Could we set up a review process where I get feedback before presenting to the group?"

Result: You addressed the issue, protected the relationship, demonstrated maturity, and actually solved the problem.

Wrong Approach

Situation: Your partner forgot your birthday.

Reactive response: "You obviously do not care about me at all. I always remember YOUR birthday. You are so selfish. My mother was right about you."

Result: Your partner becomes defensive. The conversation escalates into a fight about everything except the actual issue. Both of you go to bed angry.

Right Approach

Situation: Same -- your partner forgot your birthday.

Response (after a cooling period): "I need to tell you something that is hard to say. When my birthday was not acknowledged, I felt really hurt and unimportant. I know you have been stressed at work, and I do not think you did it intentionally. But birthdays matter to me because they make me feel valued. Can we talk about how to handle special occasions going forward?"

Result: You communicated the hurt, avoided character attacks, acknowledged their context, and proposed a solution. Your partner can hear you without feeling attacked.

Fear vs. Anxiety: Know the Difference

Fear is a response to an immediate, present threat. You see a car swerving toward you -- that is fear. Your brain says "Danger NOW" and activates your fight-or-flight response. Fear is usually proportional to the actual threat and subsides once the threat passes.

Anxiety is worry about potential future threats. You have a presentation next week and cannot stop thinking about everything that could go wrong -- that is anxiety. Your brain says "Danger MIGHT come" and keeps you in a low-grade state of alert. Anxiety often outlasts the situation and can become disproportionate to the actual risk.

Why this matters for communication: Fear tends to make you freeze or flee (going silent in a conflict, avoiding confrontation). Anxiety tends to make you overthink, over-prepare, or avoid entirely (rewriting an email 15 times, canceling plans, not speaking up in meetings).

• Avoidance: You put off difficult conversations until the problem grows ten times worse
• People-pleasing: You agree to everything because saying "no" feels too scary
• Perfectionism: You over-prepare and over-edit, missing deadlines or opportunities
• Catastrophizing: You imagine the worst outcome and communicate from that place of panic
• Physical symptoms: Shaking voice, sweating, mind going blank during important conversations
• Defensive communication: You interpret neutral comments as criticism because you are already on high alert

1. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique activates your parasympathetic nervous system (the "rest and digest" system), which directly counteracts the stress response. It is one of the fastest ways to calm your body.

How to do it:

• Inhale quietly through your nose for 4 seconds
• Hold your breath for 7 seconds
• Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds
• Repeat 3-4 times

When to use it: Before a difficult conversation, during a presentation when you feel panic rising, before opening a stressful email, anytime you notice anxiety building.

2. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

When anxiety pulls you into worried thoughts about the future, grounding brings you back to the present moment. It works by engaging your senses, which forces your brain to focus on what is real and immediate rather than what is imagined and future.

Name:

• 5 things you can see (the blue mug on your desk, the light on the ceiling...)
• 4 things you can touch or feel (the chair beneath you, the fabric of your shirt...)
• 3 things you can hear (the hum of the air conditioner, a distant conversation...)
• 2 things you can smell (your coffee, the air freshener...)
• 1 thing you can taste (the mint from your gum, the residue of your last meal...)

When to use it: When you feel panic rising, when your mind is racing before a big event, when you cannot stop worrying.

3. Scheduled Worry Time

This counterintuitive technique works surprisingly well. Instead of trying to stop worrying (which often makes it worse), schedule a specific 15-minute window each day to do nothing but worry. When anxious thoughts pop up outside that window, say "I will worry about that during my worry time" and redirect your attention.

Why it works: It gives your brain permission to worry -- just not right now. Over time, most people find that when their scheduled worry time arrives, the things they were anxious about no longer seem as pressing.

4. The Reality Check

Anxiety thrives on vague, exaggerated threats. The reality check forces you to get specific and honest about the actual risk.

Ask yourself these questions in order:

1. "What exactly am I afraid will happen?" (Get specific)
2. "What is the realistic probability of that happening?" (Be honest, use percentages)
3. "If it did happen, what would I do?" (You almost always have a plan B)
4. "What is the best case scenario?" (Anxiety ignores this one)
5. "What is the most likely scenario?" (Usually somewhere in the middle)

Example: "I'm terrified of giving this presentation." Reality check: "What's the worst? I stumble over some words. Probability? Maybe 30%. If it happens? I pause, take a breath, and continue. Most likely scenario? I'm nervous at first, then settle in. People are focused on the content, not judging me."

5. The Control Circle

Draw two circles: an inner circle (things you CAN control) and an outer circle (things you CANNOT control). Anxiety often comes from fixating on the outer circle. Redirect your energy to the inner circle.

Cannot control: Whether someone likes you, whether you get the job, what others think, the economy, other people's behavior

Can control: Your preparation, your attitude, your effort, how you respond, your self-care, whether you ask for help

6. Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Anxiety lives in your body as much as in your mind. This technique systematically releases physical tension.

How to do it: Starting with your toes and working up to your head, tense each muscle group for 5 seconds, then release for 10 seconds. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation. Work through: toes, calves, thighs, stomach, chest, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, face.

Quick version for meetings: Under the table, clench your fists tightly for 5 seconds, then release. Press your feet hard into the floor for 5 seconds, then release. This micro-version works surprisingly well.

Wrong Approach

Situation: You have a job interview tomorrow for your dream position.

Anxiety-driven behavior: You stay up until 2 AM obsessively researching the company, rehearsing answers until they sound robotic, imagining every possible question they could ask, checking your outfit seven times, and sending your friend panicked texts at midnight. You arrive exhausted, over-caffeinated, and so tightly wound that you speak too fast, forget key points, and come across as nervous and inauthentic.

Right Approach

Situation: Same job interview.

Regulated behavior: You prepare thoroughly but set a cutoff time (9 PM). You do a reality check: "I am qualified for this role -- that is why they called me. The worst case is I do not get this specific job, and I keep looking. The most likely case is that I have a good conversation with interesting people." You do 4-7-8 breathing before bed and get reasonable sleep. In the morning, you use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique in the parking lot. You walk in calm, present, and genuine. You speak at a natural pace because you are not in fight-or-flight mode.

Wrong Approach

Situation: Your roommate keeps eating your food without asking.

Fear-driven behavior: You say nothing for weeks. You start hiding food in your room. You make passive-aggressive comments like "Oh, I guess the milk fairy visited again." Resentment builds until you finally explode: "I cannot live with someone who has ZERO respect for other people's things!"

Right Approach

Situation: Same roommate situation.

Regulated behavior: You acknowledge the fear: "I am afraid of conflict, but avoiding this is making it worse." You do a reality check: "The most likely outcome of a calm conversation is that they apologize and we work it out." You approach them: "Hey, I wanted to talk about the food situation. I have noticed some of my groceries being used, and I would like us to set up a system -- maybe we label our shelves or split shared items. What works for you?"

What Frustration Signals

• Your approach is not working -- Time to adapt, not push harder
• Your expectations may be unrealistic -- Check whether your standards match the situation
• You need help -- Frustration often means you are trying to do something alone that requires support
• A system is broken -- The problem may not be you; it may be the process

What Disappointment Signals

• Something mattered to you -- You only feel disappointed about things you cared about
• Your expectations were not communicated clearly -- Or the other person could not meet them
• You need to grieve -- Disappointment involves a small loss and needs to be acknowledged before you move on

Wrong Approach: The Frustrated Manager

Situation: You have explained the new reporting process to your team three times, and they are still doing it wrong.

Frustrated response: "I have explained this THREE TIMES. I do not know how to make this any simpler. Are you even paying attention? Just follow the instructions!" (said with visible exasperation in a team meeting)

Result: Team members feel belittled and become afraid to ask questions. Some start doing the process wrong in different ways because they are too intimidated to seek clarification. Morale drops.

Right Approach: The Regulated Manager

Situation: Same -- team keeps getting the reporting process wrong.

Step 1 (Pause and reframe): "If three explanations have not worked, the problem is probably not their listening. It might be my explanation, or the process itself might be confusing."

Step 2 (Adapt): "I am going to try a different approach. Let me create a visual step-by-step guide and walk through one report together as a group."

Step 3 (Communicate): "I realize the new process has a learning curve that I underestimated. Let us walk through it together with a real example, and I want you to tell me where it gets confusing so I can clarify."

Result: Team feels supported, the actual confusion points get identified, and the process gets improved.

1. The Step-Back Technique: When frustrated, physically or mentally step back. Ask: "What am I trying to achieve? Is there a different path to get there?" Frustration narrows your vision; stepping back widens it.

2. Lower the Bar, Then Raise It: If a task feels overwhelming, reduce your expectations to the smallest possible step. Instead of "finish the whole report," aim for "write one paragraph." Small wins break the frustration cycle.

3. Express the Frustration Separately: Tell a trusted person "I am really frustrated with this project" before you talk to the person involved. Venting to the right audience first prevents you from dumping frustration on the wrong audience.

4. Ask for Help: Frustration often signals that you need support. Asking for help is not weakness; it is resourcefulness. "I am stuck on this. Can you look at it with fresh eyes?"

5. Acknowledge the Disappointment: When disappointed, resist the urge to immediately "look on the bright side." Give yourself permission to feel the loss first: "I really wanted that promotion, and I am disappointed I did not get it." Then, and only then, pivot to "What can I learn from this?"

Step 1: Self-Compassion

What it means: Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend who made a mistake. Not with excuses ("It was not my fault") or harsh self-criticism ("I am terrible"), but with honest kindness ("I am human. I made a mistake. I can learn from this.").

What to say to yourself:

• "Everyone loses their temper sometimes. This does not define me."
• "I am not perfect, and that is okay. What matters is what I do next."
• "I can acknowledge my mistake without drowning in shame."

Why it matters: Shame spirals keep you stuck. Self-compassion gives you the emotional stability to take the next steps. Research by Kristin Neff at the University of Texas shows that self-compassion actually increases accountability -- people who are kind to themselves after mistakes are MORE likely to take responsibility, not less.

Step 2: Take Responsibility

What it means: Own your behavior without excuses, deflection, or minimizing. The other person's behavior does not justify yours. Even if they provoked you, your response is your responsibility.

The difference between responsibility and blame:

Blame (avoid this): "I only yelled because you pushed my buttons." / "Anyone would have reacted that way." / "If you had not done X, I would not have done Y."

Responsibility (do this): "Regardless of what happened, the way I responded was not okay." / "I am responsible for my words and actions, even when I am upset."

Step 3: Apologize Properly

A good apology has specific components. Missing any one of them makes the apology feel hollow.

The 4-Part Apology:

1. Name what you did: "I raised my voice and said hurtful things."
2. Acknowledge the impact: "That must have been embarrassing and hurtful for you."
3. Take responsibility: "There is no excuse for speaking to you that way."
4. State what you will do differently: "In the future, I will take a break when I feel my anger rising instead of lashing out."

Bad apology examples: "I'm sorry you feel that way." (non-apology) / "I'm sorry, BUT you started it." (blame-shifting) / "Sorry, I guess." (dismissive)

Good apology example: "I am sorry for raising my voice during our discussion. I know that was disrespectful and probably made you feel attacked. I was frustrated, but that does not excuse my tone. I am going to work on pausing before I respond when I feel that frustration building."

Step 4: Repair the Relationship

What it means: An apology opens the door to repair, but it does not complete it. Ask the other person what they need from you. Sometimes it is space. Sometimes it is a longer conversation. Sometimes it is a specific change in behavior.

Ask: "How can I make this right?" or "What do you need from me going forward?"

Important: Do not pressure them to forgive you on your timeline. They may need time. Respect that.

Step 5: Learn from the Experience

After the situation has cooled (usually 24-48 hours later), reflect:

• "What was I really feeling underneath the anger/fear/frustration?"
• "What triggered me? Was it the situation itself, or did it remind me of something from my past?"
• "At what point did I lose control? What was the early warning sign I missed?"
• "What could I have done differently at that early warning point?"

Step 6: Implement New Strategies

What it means: Based on what you learned, create a specific plan for next time. Vague intentions ("I will do better") do not work. Specific plans do.

Example plan: "When I notice my jaw clenching during arguments with my partner, I will say 'I need 15 minutes' and go for a walk around the block. When I come back, I will start with 'Here is what I am feeling' instead of 'Here is what you did wrong.'"

STOP Technique

S - Stop what you are doing. Freeze. Do not speak, do not type, do not act.

T - Take a breath. One slow, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

O - Observe. What am I feeling? What am I about to do? What will happen if I do that?

P - Proceed mindfully. Choose your response deliberately rather than reacting automatically.

Time required: 10-15 seconds. That is all it takes.

Cold Water Reset

Splash cold water on your face or hold a cold object (ice cube, cold can of soda) against your wrists or the back of your neck. This activates the mammalian diving reflex, which automatically slows your heart rate and calms your nervous system. It is a biological override button -- your body cannot maintain fight-or-flight mode and the diving reflex at the same time.

Office-friendly version: Keep a cold water bottle at your desk. When emotions spike, take a long drink of cold water. The physical act of swallowing also activates the vagus nerve, which promotes calm.

Count Backwards by 7s

Start at 100 and count backwards by 7: 100, 93, 86, 79, 72... This engages your prefrontal cortex (the math brain) and pulls cognitive resources away from the emotional center. By the time you reach 65 or so, you will notice a significant reduction in emotional intensity.

Name It to Tame It

Simply say to yourself (silently or out loud): "I am feeling [precise emotion] right now." For example: "I am feeling humiliated right now" or "I am feeling threatened right now." Research shows this simple act of labeling reduces amygdala activation by up to 50%. It creates psychological distance between you and the emotion -- you are observing it rather than being consumed by it.

Strategic Exit Lines

Have pre-prepared phrases ready for when you need to leave a conversation before you say something you regret. Rehearse these so they come naturally:

• "I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can we revisit this in an hour?"
• "I need to step out for a moment. I will be right back."
• "I am not in the right headspace to discuss this productively right now. Let us schedule a time."
• "This is important to me, and I want to respond thoughtfully. Give me some time."

Key Takeaways

• Emotions are information, not problems. Anger says a boundary was crossed. Fear says there is danger. Anxiety says the future is uncertain. Frustration says your approach is not working.
• The 90-second rule: The chemical lifespan of an emotion is about 90 seconds. After that, your thoughts are sustaining it. Pause, breathe, and let the wave pass.
• Intervene early. Catch anger at Level 1-2, not Level 4-5. Recognize anxiety before it spirals into avoidance. The earlier you intervene, the easier it is.
• Use RULER: Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, Regulate. This framework works for any difficult emotion.
• Different emotions need different strategies. Anger needs physical release and timeouts. Anxiety needs grounding and reality-checking. Frustration needs stepping back and adapting.
• Recovery matters as much as prevention. When you do lose control, practice self-compassion, take responsibility, apologize properly, and learn from the experience.
• Have emergency tools ready. STOP, cold water, counting backwards, Name It to Tame It, and strategic exit lines. Memorize these so they are available when your thinking brain goes offline.
• Practice in calm moments. You cannot learn to swim when you are drowning. Practice these techniques during low-stress times so they become automatic during high-stress ones.